I think I must have these moments about once every few years. Moments (lasting anything from a few days to a few weeks) where I just think:
A) what am I doing and
B) what's the point?
Its reassuring that on paper I'm still the awesome catch I feel I should be at my age but that doesn't give me the joy I feel it should.
I'm 26 and married to the most wonderful man, after studying Journalism I now work as an editor, I've been on the front cover of a newstand magazine, I've had a byline in a national consumer mag, we live in a beautiful part of the country, I'm going to New York later this month, I'm healthy...ok you get the idea.
There are all the imperfections of course including my lovehate affair with work, friends, TFL
and my laptop. But generally I feel I should be counting my blessings. So why am I not?
Last Sunday I watched a programme on channel OHTV
- I find a new channel everyday
- called Finger of God
. It was filmed and produced by a man whose
relatives had experienced a miracle in church and knowing them and therefore that they weren't crazy, he decided to
try and capture on film, other
miracles taking place in churches around the globe.
So anyway this guy filmed churches
in the US and in France and in Mozambique and other places and was just overwhelmed by:
A) the love and dedication of the people he met,
B) the miracles taking place which happened in both 'developed' and 'underdeveloped' areas and
C) a sense that miraculous signs and wonders should follow all Christians regardless of their status in church.
And then a few hours later Fish and I watched a documentary
calledAmerica's most hated family in crisis
. It was about
the Westboro Baptist Church
- a literal church family with extremist views on...well everything really. They call themselves followers of Jesus but
personally, I wouldn't want them to do any advertising for my
And THEN (seriously I was resting, am not a telly addict),
I watched Six Feet Under
and the 16-year-old daughter of the family who own a funeral home said something like
"Ok so you go to college, get a crap job and then die. Is that what life is?" And that's how I feel right now. What is my purpose?
Why am I even here?
And so began my dilemna. What am I DOING?? What makes my Christianity different to anyone else's religion?? When people say to me,
"well you go to church and read the Bible and blog about your faith so you must be quite
immediately deny it
because being religious usually has negative connotations of piety
but then surely me professing to be a Christian should mean something more than
I'm bored of the assumption that what makes someone a Christian is how 'good' they are. Rubbish. They are lots of 'good' people who are not Christians. There are also wonderfully loving people who are not Christians. Just so we're clear - a Christian is someone who believes that Jesus Christ is God and that He came to earth to die for our sins and got away with it. I'm kidding :) - about the last bit - he did
die but then he was raised to life and that's what we celebrate at Easter
of a Christian should result from aiming to be Christlike.
It's far from easy
but its what we're called to do. So I wonder...how many people do I uplift during my morning third-world commute in a supposedly 'first-world' country? How many people walk away from a conversation with me feeling happy, reassured, relieved, unburdened?
I was brought up as a Christian so even though I've been baptised, 'backslidden' and climbed back again I've never really felt the 'Wow! This is awesome and now I'm seeing
an amazing new me' feeling
experienced by my
Christian friends who
weren't brought up in Christian households.
If I'm honest, sometimes I even feel a bit jel. Why can't I feel like that? Maybe I've become complacent and unexcited and need the Holy Spirit to wake me up.
This blog is about me and living my life and it's true I do LOVE God and LOVE Fashion but recently...I'm wondering why I'm missing the joy in loving life?