|Insta caption: Trying out my tattoo artist's new bike! Reality: Marriage falling apart, feeling suicidal and lonely.|
Some people's Facebook pages look like a perfectly completed level on Second Life
and apparently, up until three years ago, so did mine. One of my friends asked me recently if, looking back, I thought it was a mistake to have been so open about how happy I was.
For a few slow motion seconds I was really taken aback by her comment but then I did see what she meant. Our love for each other, our consequent wedding pics, a scan picture of baby Annie...all were posted online to a world of seemingly supportive and interested family and friends happy to share in our joy. But to a suffering individual that could have seemed irritating and intrusive. I know how that feels now, to see friends post pregnancy updates or wedding photos is hard; their happy is too loud :).
Having said that, I have always and will always share in the joy of family and friends because that's just what you do
isn't it, if you love and care for someone. Not out of obligation but because you genuinely want the best for them. And if it is hard to do so at times because of what I have been through, I just step back a little. I don't go to babyshowers, I choose my weddings and I choose my conversations.
I was married to the love of my life and we had the promise of our little princess growing patiently in my womb. I was happy; so damn happy
. I wanted to share my joy with the world, not to make other people feel sad about what they didn't have. (Romans 12:15 says "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn".)
And when I lost my baby and lost my husband, my grief was aired on a similar platform.
I don't regret being open about my experiences, that's just who I am. And I've met so many people who have opened up about their own pain freely to me simply because I shared my story and that's what this blog is about. I think it's important to be honest about your reality. Life is not a perfectly tinted set of instagram pictures. Life is hard, life is messy, life hurts
I have two close friends at completely different stages in life to me. One is married to her first love with two adorable children living in a nice house and a close family network. The other is a jet setting, fashion forward socialite with a huge friendship group and dates a plenty. Honestly, if you saw their insta dailies (daily instagram pictures) you would go green with envy. Guess what they think about their own lives? The Mummy wants the freedom to travel and pursue her own career and the Jet Setter longs for a husband and children. The grass is always greener. Everyone else's lives will probably always look more polished and engaging and fun. Right now, I'm trying to learn to just engage in my own life. When, God willing, I marry again and have children, I plan to stay off social media for a while and see if we can do just that. To enjoy every taste, every journey, every shopping trip, every funny encounter with a toddler, without having to record it, upload it, and validate the experience by how many other people enjoy it too.
It may take a while, I'm not on Facebook at the moment and this morning I really wanted to upload a funny status (it's okay I did it on Twitter instead) but I'm sure I'll be able to wean myself off in the end - if not I'll just bore you all with it instead ;)
So to those enjoying a particularly happy time in life, I say make sure you enjoy it! Share it with the world if you want to, don't let anyone make you feel bad about being happy and let those who truly love you be a part of your joy.
And to those going through a period of suffering I just want you to remember that this too shall pass.