Song on My Mind: Over - Ashanti
"Can't believe that it's over baby, But every bruise on my heart, you gave me...."
Sometimes finding out the truth really sucks. That's not exactly an earth shattering revelation of knowledge but it was really brought home to me today. Have you ever wondered the point of Love if all it seems to do is cause heartbreak? I have. One of my childhood friends sent me a text the other day which read as follows:
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn your house down, you can never tell.
To me the most important thing about true Christianity is its focus on Love. Love regardless of the situation, regardless of the opposition faced and the hurt retained in the process.
Love in the face of adversity. Love in the face of mockery. Love in the face of unrequited love.
I have always considered myself extremely fortunate not to have retained any of the 'burns' of previous destructive relationships only to discover today that I may actually still be nursing the scars of an extremely fresh wound. The pain is so there I wonder that no one else can see it...
So evident in the way I walk (defeated), talk (dejected) and respond to friendly jabs (rejected). Someone said I'd become insecure and I wondered....is this the reason?
I have always been a 'go getter'. "She'll go far" teachers agreed.
At my last workplace they said they bet I'd become famous. Where does all this come from and why cant I feel any of it myself? Why do I feel so LOST in the midst of all my friends? DESPONDANT when people tell me "but you're so beautiful and talented - just move on, he's not worth it!"
Thats what they're supposed to say and I agree. Maybe he wasnt. (Am I allowed to say that about a 'Child of God'?) Anyway it doesnt make it better. Its 1:30am, I should be in bed. Or writing my super amazing business plan for Christ Couture. Instead I'm writing a blog born out of the pain in my heart.
To all the Christ Couture girls out there - this Christ Couture girl is hurting, badly and I need your prayers and hope.
I seem to be losing my own...................