Here I am


Song on my mind: Here I am by Rick Ross (Feat. Nelly, Avery Storm)


I got a bunch of dollars

I can spend them on her

Cause she can be my lady,

She can be my lover

Call me on the late night,

Get right he aint acting right

Every super woman needs a super man

Here I am

Its 2009 and I'm watching the snow fall in what is being called 'the worst snow storm in 18 years'. It has put the London buses out of action and 10 out of the 11 tube lines are either suspended or severely delayed. The economy is 'in chaos'. Forget Fashion's recurring penchant for 80's style, we are now facing another 80's style recession.

My New Year's Resolutions for the year were as follows:

Eat more healthily

Do more exercise

Only buy shoes & underwear

Ignoring the first two standard resolutions, I made this last announcement with joyous abandon last year when I discovered that I could use my Faith card in La Senza and shoes & underwear became my best friends. However as the weeks went by and my Zara TRF skinnies started to become worn I sought to amend my pronouncements.

The concession I made, having already opened my big mouth, was that I can only buy shoes and underwear UNLESS the clothes are designer. Designer, not high street designer. (although I do occasionally feel guilty for Miss Sixty having gone into Administration; clearly without my service sales fell drastically..)

My thinking for this was that as I cant really afford designer clothes I wont be able to spend anything or if I did I'd have to save up for it and therefore mature my management of cash flow!

- Not convinced? Well I did also think that everyone will feel sorry for me and buy me stuff instead, therefore alleviating all guilt on my part as well as keeping my account in the black - see not just a pretty face ;)

So as I write, I'm conscious that others all around me are breaking their resolutions left right and centre whilst I remain smug in the knowledge that I have made one purchase this year - yes ONE. And that was a soft cotton bra from M&S costing the not quite bank breaking amount of £2!

But having finally made Westfield my home for the winter after avoiding it immediately after it opened, I have also been made the proud owner of two amazing shoe purchases courtesy of my Fish and my own home La Senza store. (Is it an obsession when I do a tidy up and find 4 pairs of unworn sets of underwear?)

As well as the other fervent resolutions I made toward the end of last year, I also prayed for certain things to take place. And Here I am. After 5 months in my new job I have been made Production Editor, earning more or less what I wanted at this age, am getting an assistant, have a great boss, have an amazing boyfriend (Fish) and am still turning heads - albeit often more for the holes in my tights than my face but at this age I cant be too fussy.

Its funny how God works, sometimes you think you know how your life is going to be and you can almost see it mapped out in front of you. Then suddenly God throws a spanner in your works and you feel lost. Thats what happened to me in 2007. I was happy, my life was easy and I wasnt worried about anything. Then in Spring everything fell apart - no, ONE thing fell apart and I thought I'd never recover. I'm a drama queen at the best of times and this was no exception. I cried, I wailed, I asked why, I blamed myself, I blamed God and then in 2008 I calmed down, got myself together and only then did the wonderful thing called hindsight come into play.

Yesterday in church, the pastor preached on the story of Joseph. Technicolour dreamcoat aside, this Bible character had a tough life. He grew up the favourite and had amazing dreams about his future as we all do (as in we all have amazing dreams, we're not all spoilt younger children!) and as some of us do, told those around him about those dreams. He probably thought his family would be happy for him and encourage him and why wouldnt they? But really Joseph telling your parents of a dream you had in which they were symbolically bowing down to you is not going to win you any brownie points. (luckily he was not in a Nigerian household!)

I wonder if he remembered those dreams when he was thrown into prison for something he didnt do - sexually assaulting Potiphar's wife, read up on Genesis 37 - 55 for a refresher.

I wondered if he remembered them again even after he was obedient to God's word, told his fellow prisoners the meaning of their dreams and the one who was freed promptly forgot all about him. Ouch. Time and time again Joseph felt the knocks of life which would cause and do sometimes cause, some of us to wonder whether God really cares, is really there and really spoke that initial prophecy into our lives. Joseph had to wait years for his dreams to come to pass, and eventually they did. But in the same way that watching paint dry will not make it dry any faster or trying to watch a flower bloom may seem like a fruitless exercise in patience, keeping your eyes on the prize only works when you're already in control and who really can control their own life?

My dream has always been to be a magazine journalist, to one day head my own company and I still harbour that dream and work towards it. Still, I recognise that while not everything works out the way we want it to BUT all things DO work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

I enjoyed working with my old colleagues but didnt enjoy the job so the natural progression for me was to look for a new one which I did. I didnt stress over it, I didnt pray about it obsessively and tell God that this was it, that this was the one and if I didnt get it I'd die (Told you, complete drama queen..), I just applied, took a practical approach to the interview, did my research and waited. I didnt try and figure everything out before it had happened, but I had a quiet assurance that I would get it. And I did. And it wasnt a big drama; I just got the call and was there within 2 weeks.

It doesnt always work like that. I have being trying to move out from home since I was 16 and coming back home after uni was a crippling experience. I have resisted my mums rules (I'm an adult too you know!), resisted sharing a room with my sister (I'm too big to be sharing - conveniently forgetting that once married I will be sharing a bed never mind a room!) and attempted to buy, to rent... Nothing has worked. Each time I was vaguely aware of myself pushing aside a tiny voice telling me to stay put until I get married, which has always been my plan. I have also been trying to buy a new car for about a year but nothing is quite right - funnily enough given my penchant for convertibles and I am still driving my first car. I now hardly drive it at all since Fish got his Audi and funnily enough the exact one and colour that I wanted to get once I managed to get the A4 coupe cabriolet out of my head and since I work in Westminster, if it wasnt for my mum, my baby would get no action at all. Dont get me wrong, I still would love a new car and would love to move out but its not essential right now and I'm biding my time for a better plan God has in mind.

I have good friends. When I was younger I prayed for a really close friend to come into my life, one that I'd speak to everyday so we could do everything together (I read way too many Sweet Vally books). About 4 years ago I 'looked up' from my life and realised that she had come and was there with me! I have a good family around me, a good job that has its stresses but whenever I pull out my business card I remember what I prayed for. And I am in love. With someone I trust implicitly and who completely loves and adores me. And who loves buying me shoes ;)

I find if you look back over the lat 2 years or so and weigh it up with where you are now, you will realise and be able to celebrate how far you have come. When you have children you dont have time to note every little scrape on their knee, every argument or act of disobedience because you are too busy living. As they grow older and with every achievement, I guarantee all you will feel is pride.

Life is life. We will still have problems and experience discomfort, but as a friend said in response to my complaint at the recent cold weather; at least it makes you feel alive.

The past has its problems and the future has its fears but right now, here I am. And it is well.

CC Girl xx

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  • 3 responses to “Here I am”

    1. Anonymous says:

      (^^,) xxx

    2. Anonymous says:

      (^^,) xxx

    3. 🙂
      I’m happy that you’re happy and in a good place hun.
      Long may it continue.

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