My therapist told me that most people, when depressed, become withdrawn and introverted. They go into hiding rather than drawing attention to themselves and seem to make a habit of self-hate.
Looking at my Facebook pictures it's maybe not clear that I've been going through my own private hell on earth; but I am. But those of you who know me personally - and even those who know me through this blog - will know that I am not normal and don't do things like "most people."
At the beginning of the year my marriage started falling apart and my heart with it. My reaction, over the last 12 months has been to change my hair to bright, stand out colours - first pink then white - give my underwear collection an expensive makeover and extensively update my wardrobe.
Am I trying to win my husband back to prove what a mistake he is making? No - although for the record, I do think he is making a mistake. Am I back on the dating scene and trying to prove myself a "catch" even at my age on the wrong side of 25? No. The reason I have turned into a walking talking catwalk model is so that I can LIVE.
Getting out of bed every day when you are depressed is a struggle. Everything is a struggle. Forcing myself to socialise when all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry is a struggle. But what I told my therapist is this: Forcing myself to stand out means I can't blend in.
When my Barbie coloured hair and high street glam make people stop and stare - sorry this is London so no one does that; more like when they sneak covert glances over the tops of their copies of the Metro or tablet - I'm forced to become that person they see. So many people have told me how confident I must be to have such crazy hair colours and wear such daring clothes. Nope, I just know that I can't be dying inside when my exterior brands me as the girl too cool to give a damn.
Lots of people say it's the act of shopping that makes them feel better and to an extent I'd say that's true for rme too. Yes it can be addictive and draw your attention away from the pain inside. But the important thing for me, and I honestly don't care how stupid this sounds is this: my clothes are keeping me ALIVE.